On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
