I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
