Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
