She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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