forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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