Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
