ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
