Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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