Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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