As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize