gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize