it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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