I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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