I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
