dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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