She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
