I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
