cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
