You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
