oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
