before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
