did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
