Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
