I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
