i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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