you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize