Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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