I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
