and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
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