Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
