I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
