I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
