Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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