GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
