I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize