the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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