if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
