so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
