; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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