Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
