He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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