She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
