she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Welp...herpes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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