Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
