You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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