News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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