Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
