Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
