im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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