Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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