You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize