She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
