just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
