This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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