the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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