Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
