I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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