Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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