i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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