8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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